In my mother's womb, God created my heart in the image of His - to love, and to receive love. But my circumstances, experiences and choices as I grew caused it to resemble a fortress...stony, rigid, protective, impenetrable.
Liberal teaching that the Bible was figurative, not the inherent word of God, caused my heart to view my Creator as uninterested, aloof, irrelevant...a layer of stony unbelief was formed.
Harsh words heard as a young child caused my heart to feel rejected...a self-protective layer was formed.
An aggressive search for love as a teen was met with eager response from people who did not really love...layers of shame and mistrust formed.
Remedies for emptiness were sought for a while in a party atmosphere and emptied bottles...a layer of numbness helped my heart not to feel much at all.
With a perspective of a disinterested God, my search for meaning and value was aimed at man. Man let me down. Who did I have but me? My heart became self-focused and impenetrable.
But God had created my heart in His image....and His heart was still underneath these many layers. And He had been pursuing me all the while.
Over the past two years, the Lord has been patiently excavating my stony heart. Sure, He is bigger than all things, and could probably have completed excavation in the blink of an eye, but He has been slowly opening my eyes to each layer, one by one, lovingly helping me to strip each one away.
-He showed me a layer of a religious spirit born out of my unbelief in Him. We have removed that together and I've found a new trust in the great I AM.
-He showed me a layer called fear of man. He has guided the eyes of my heart back on His beautiful face. It is in Him alone that I need find my value.
-He showed me a layer of guilt, shame and condemnation born from my poor choices with the body He gave to me. He showed me the beauiful white robe that He had for me. He took my filthiness and asked my heart to trust Him that I am finished with it.
-Right now He is showing me the selfish way in which my heart has learned to love...with limits, with conditions and with me at the constant focus. As this layer is being melted away, it actually almost feels like a physical change is happening within my heart.
-He's now also showing me the impenetrability of this heart of mine. And He's showing me the receptiveness of the heart He originally created. He peeling away the layers that prevent me from receiving love. He's whispering to me about intimacy, and helping me to learn to accept His love. This translates to the outside world too, where He is helping me to develop relationships far more real and intimate than I've ever known.
-And my heart FEELS now....the fog of numbness that used to protect it is gone. Instead, I am finding a wealth of emotions, some so unfamiliar. This frightened me at first....I feel out of control. But the Lord reminds me that I do not need to be in control any loger...I have surrendered my heart to Him, and He is holding it so gently.
What a ride, this journey with the Lord! Don't ever let anyone tell you that you've reached the end.
6 comments:
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing. So happy God is doing so much in your life. You encourage the rest of us to be so real.
I'm speechless. Thanks for being so open. I really need to allow Him to work on some things in my heart as well.
I love and appreciate you SO much Elizabeth! Thanks for your transparent words today my friend.
This is the most beautiful thing you've ever written. You are truly beautiful my precious friend.
Natasha
Oops - I asked about your layers and then went away for my girls trip - so am only now reading this.
I love how you've expressed what is happening in your heart/life/soul.
I was curious as to what these layers would be when you first mentioned them since in my own spiritual journey I've always viewed my layers as ones being added. Through my own life circumstances I was striped, empty, and hollow- a shell of nothing- when I began the life journey with Christ and as time has gone on, my relationship deepened, I have been filled and layers of love, acceptance, contentment, trust, understanding, safety, discernment, etc., have enveloped me and spun me into a butterfly of many colors. As these transformations have taken place I've always looked at it as layers being added in order to make me whole.
I love the concept you've shared of layers being removed to reveal a new skin- an intimate perspective.
Thanks for sharing. Being so far away, I love that you share your life in this forum.
K-dog...thank you for your beautiful perspective of the layers being added and you being spun into a butterfly. I love that. I've never thought of that before. I also need to consider that He has not only stripped away, He has added much. Thanks Kristi!
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